55 days cleans….cunt lickers!

I went to the park meeting again.

Sooo I was reading The 48 Laws of Power during free time, just minding my own business and then my therapist Joan comes by and I show her what I’m reading… and get this… THE BITCH TAKES IT AWAY. She said a book about manipulation is last thing I should be reading… 55 days ago I was smoking crack and now there’s certain books I shouldn’t read! I hope that bitch dies.

May 26th, 2008

It’s Tuesday, no school yesterday. It’s 6:55 pm and I feel like using. I feel withdrawn, I’m depressed, I’m angry, I’m confused. I hate feeling. Fuck, I feel like shit, I’m sick, not dope sick, actual sick, but all I can think about is doing drugs. I’m coughing, sneezing, fever, all that junk. Some pills would fix me right up. Sometimes when I’m driving I want to crash into something, I want to die. I want chaos, I want terror, I welcome pain. I have visions of me dead in a bathroom somewhere, or shooting myself, or something, I think about it all the time…Today I’m not grateful, at least I have the knowledge to even know when I am and when I’m not grateful… I guess.

I just feel like I’ve had enough of this clean thing. I WANT TO FUCKING NOD. I feel empty, I feel hollow, I feel… I don’t like this. I should call someone, but I don’t want to talk. My throat hurts, my head hurts. I have clothes, a computer, a place to sleep, love, anything anyone could ever want and then some. But today I don’t want any of it, I want to be alone, I want to be in under some sheets smoking crack. This life is too boring for me. I want to go back to hell today, just for a little bit. Maybe it’s just because I’m sick, but I feel so anxious like I am withdrawing. They said it could be “post-acute withdraw syndrome” which is when you go through withdraws again or some shit, I don’t know, I just want to die.  It may be cause I haven’t been praying but most of all I haven’t been going to meetings. I just want to fast forward and take this feeling away. Thank god I’ve been downloading music torrents, I can download whole CDs at a time. It’s crazy how one day I’m all happy for no reason, just to be alive and the next day I can’t even remember why the fuck I’m even clean in the first place.

The other day I took this guy home from a meeting, he’s probably in his early 30s. Super nice guy, a bunch of tattoos that you can only see when he wears a wife beater, he’s got a bunch of tribal all over his shoulders and back. He was sharing that someone broke into his house and murdered his wife a while back and he’s been staying clean the past few months but it’s been real hard for him, going to court and dealing with attorneys and shit. He said the only thing keeping him clean is the spiritual retreat they have in the keys, he said if he can just make it to that he knows he’ll be okay. He said it’s the only event he looks forward to all year. It’s a bunch of recovering addicts in the keys, camping, having meetings, snorkeling, jet skiing… I don’t know why but when I meet other addicts I feel connected to them… ah, maybe cause I’m an addict too. I want to go to the retreat, its sounds fun. 

Gio has been sponsoring me, I call him every day, he tells me I need to pray. I told him I don’t really believe in god and he said “well just pray to my god, he keeps me clean, then one day you’ll get your own god,” I literally hung up the phone, closed my eyes and said “ugh, Gio’s god, help me stay clean, k, thanks.” Sometimes I call Gio and tell him I feel fine and that I don’t feel like using at all.

He just tells me:

“You will one day… one day you’ll want to get high so bad, and it’ll just be you, 

your higher power, and your drug of choice, if you don’t have a higher power you’ll use every time.”

He always says that… oh you don’t wanna get high?  haha just sit tight, its coming!