On Monday, my teacher sat me next to a microwave and my heart started to race.

I thought about cooking crack in it.

I went to Doc’s house one time and he showed me how to cook it in the microwave. He taught me how to roll the pipe back and forth, how to hit the glass with the lighter first to get it hot so you don’t waste it, I heard the sound of the crack crackling as I inhaled. I felt the smoke being swallowed into my lungs.

I shut and reopened my eyes and looked around. It only lasted a second, but when I looked around at the other kids in my high school I felt so different. I felt so tainted and ashamed. There are so many things wrong with me and I did it all to myself. Will this ever go away?

When I think of drugs sometimes, it’s not just a thought. I feel it. I’ve been clean for 136 days but it doesn’t feel like it. I still think about drugs every single day. They tell me it gets better, but when?

I saw her today…

It makes me cringe. I feel like such a piece of shit.

I don’t talk to too many people. A few of the black kids talk to me and I like them.

For the most part, I sit by myself and just talk to you. A lot of the time I feel so anxious and depressed I just don’t know if this is normal, if this is just how everyone feels. Maybe I’m just used to being depressed. It’s not really depression though, it’s like this empty feeling.

Maybe it is depression. Maybe this is just life without getting high, maybe life is just fucking mundane and a fucking drag, sometimes I imagine just ramming my head into the bathroom window over and over again, blood smeared all over the place.

Maybe everyone feels like shit all the time just like me.

I feel so different and alone in school. I can’t relate to these people. I just keep my iPod on and American Psycho under my arm, never making eye contact. There’s an NA convention this weekend, I’m excited. The first convention I went to I walked around and ended up leaving cause I didn’t know anyone… I was bored and texted Banks and went to high house and everyone was snorting blues and I just sat there like a dork. They all were asking me if I was really clean and making fun of how gay it is that I go to meetings now. I know they were half-kidding but I was just like, damn. I went to the convention and felt like I didn't belong there and now I’m with drug addicts friends and I don’t belong here either.

I’ve been going to the gym every single day. I think working out is the only time I don’t feel depressed. And hey, I’m not so fat anymore! I weigh 174 lbs. and I benched 275 lbs. the other day.

Not bad for a teenage crackhead, right?