It’s like doing drugs has diminished all my social skills. I’ve forgotten how to interact with people. I say things I don’t mean, I get scared around groups of people. My heart starts to race and I don’t know what to do. I sit by myself a lot in school. Sometimes it’s nice and sometimes it’s lonely. I wish I had more friends but I hate a lot of people so I’m kinda stuck. I overhear their conversations, sometimes I think they are going to include me cause I’m sitting right there but they almost never do. I’ll be sitting in class and everyone is talking all around me. In class, there is a lot of down time where everyone talks to each other but I never talk to anyone. I hear them talking about movies coming out, people they hung out with over the weekend, what happened over the weekend, going to the beach, new music, concerts they plan on going to together, which colleges they applied for, SAT scores, grades, their parents… my heart starts racing, I think about what I should say if they talk to me.

Should I tell them about my friend’s getting arrested, which treatment center is the best, how about Roxys going up to twelve dollars now... about my friend Gus who shot the water in South America and got sick.

There’s this one girl in my class I secretly think she’s so cool. We listen to the same music, I hear her talk about music a lot. She’s really pretty and reads a lot, and she’s funny. I try to be nice to her but whenever I’m around I can tell she wants to me fuck off. She’s also friends with HER, but she literally sits next to me in class and I just feel like she’s going to say something to me but she never does. Her name is Alex but everyone called her Dez, I don’t know why.

Me and the Mad Russia hung out the other day. He picked me up at my house and met my parents. 

I could tell my dad was like who the fuck is this guy. I had no cigarettes so the Mad Russian let me have some and we ordered pizza. I had no money, but he paid. When we got in the car he asked me what kind of music I liked. I told him Three 6 Mafia and he got this giant smile on his face. 

We listened to a ton of Three 6 songs in his car together. I asked him what “ex-dead man” meant and he said, “shit, last time I shot heroin I overdosed so bad, like zero brain activity, and they told my mom I was gonna be a vegetable. I was literally dead, fucking dead, bro, and I fucking woke up and I went straight to the bathroom and shot another bag of dope. I used to overdose all the time. I’ve overdosed more times than I’ve been to Publix.”

For some fucked up reason that really made me start to respect him a lot more. We went to his house and watched Kimbo Slice videos and just hung out. He opened his fridge and he didn’t have a single case of beer. It’s weird; I’ve never seen that before. Like, I know he doesn’t drink but to see it is just weird, everyone’s house I ever been to had beer in the fridge. He did have 4 different kinds of energy drinks, all different flavors… It looked like a fucking 7-11 in there. 

God, it felt so good! I had so much!

No one wanted to hang out with me before. I could never hang out with people. It seems so petty, but hanging with the Mad Russian meant the world to me. 

Sometimes I go to meetings and people say a bunch shit, but when someone goes out of their way to make you feel like you’re a part of something, it’s really cool. 

I can’t remember the last time someone just wanted to hang out with me. 

. . .

I have drug court today. It feels so repetitive, so mechanical. I’ve gotten used to court dates. I go to school all dressed up and people ask why I’m in slacks and a button down. My answer is depressing, but I try not to show it. “I have court after school.” Every single one of my teachers ask, “Oh Bryan, you look nice, what are you so dressed up for?” 

They all have this fake ass smile.

I fucking hate teachers. 

You hate your fucking job and you know it, get the fuck out of my face. 



. . .

I messaged her. 

I don’t want to be friends with her, I just don’t want her to hate me. 

The other day at lunch some kid brought it up. I was sitting by myself in the cafeteria. The children around me were going nuts, it’s so loud in there. But I didn’t hear it. I’m never without my headphones. This kid Justin leaned over the table, and we started talking. I looked over and she was sitting a few tables down from me. I made eye contact with her and she turned away in a rush. Justin started laughing, “why does she hate you? Like she really HATES YOU.” 

I couldn’t even really explain it but a part of me completely understood, it just sucks, you know?