March 16, 2008

Well today wasn’t such a good day.

Last Saturday, my dad gave me the ATM card to go get a haircut. He told me to take out $20 for the haircut and take out an additional $40 for myself. Ok, so I didn’t do just that, I took out an extra $80 on top of that to buy clothes. I bought clothes with most of the money, and pocketed forty bucks to give to “BraceFace,” my old drug dealer. I called him and he said I can get my watch back if I gave him forty bucks, my mom had given me the watch for Christmas; the only decent/pawnable present I got last year, this little Ralph Lauren watch. About a month before I got clean I gave BraceFace my watch, my dad’s iPod, Bose system and this little gold chain I’ve had since I can remember. I only want the watch back because my mom’s been asking me where it is and I feel bad.

I met him up today and I got my watch back. When I get home my dad asks if I have anything to say to him, I explain to him what I did with the money.

He screams, “you dumb motherfucker, how can I trust you ever again!”

I close my eyes as he screams at me, he tells me to grab all my books so he can burn them and then he tells me I can’t go to “those fucking meetings” again, I do my best to take in what he says. I don’t yell back and I go to my room and pray with tears running down my face. I hate him so much.

I know what I did was wrong but I literally don’t know how to communicate with my family, I’ve been lying for so long, I don’t know how to say “hey mom, can I have money for clothes, oh and remember that watch you got me for Christmas, well I sold it for pills and I’m going to need forty dollars to get it back.” It’s embarrassing, I try to make things right and end up fucking it up worse... What’s wrong with me?

If I wasn’t going to meetings I would have gotten high over this, maybe not right away but I would have eventually. Every time I get high it’s to spite someone, “I’ll show you, fuck you, fuck you!”… It’s so stupid but it’s what I do.