We were in group.

There’s this kid Nick here, he has blonde dreads and a hemp bracelet. He got baker-acted cause he took too much acid and freaked out I guess. He just goes on and on about Timothy Leary, and measuring consciousness and the stuff inside of protons and all this other weird hippie shit. He’s probably like 16, he’s a nice kid. We were sitting around in group making these bracelets, idk why they make us make bracelets, like what’s next, noodle necklaces? Are we gunna paper mache too? Anyways, we were making these bracelets, mine says Ken Kaniff on it, we were making these bracelets and then one counselor comes in, he’s overly nice and funny. He’s what you would expect a counselor to be like. He brought in an acoustic guitar and Nick started playing it. I was making my bracelet and Nick started singing “the boy who blocked his own shot” by Brand New. I had never heard the song till then, I really had no idea what he was singing. I looked down at my clothes, my mom brought me this purple button down, I had on the hospital shoes and some old navy pants with pin stripes, I don’t know why but I started crying... I couldn’t stop and people were asking what was wrong...

What’s wrong?

I’m a fucking junkie...

February 25th, 2008

19 days clean.

I started going to fucking meetings. Can you believe that shit? How did I get here? How did it go from, “this is awesome, I never want to leave” to “I’m going to puke, get me the FUCK out of here!” The funny part is that the meetings kind of help, I mean every time I walk out I feel better and better about myself. Every. Single. Time.

For the first time in years I’m not trying to syndicate some kind of scheme for drugs. I even started writing little poems, it’s interesting, they make me feel creative.

Last night this massive guy at the meeting was talking about his prescription pill problem. He was clean for a year, had a house with a pool in the backyard, his family in his life again, the whole nine. Then one day he smokes a joint out by his pool and a year later he’s living with his mom, pawning shit, and fucking up again. ONE JOINT.

ONE FUCKING JOINT.

A FUCKING JOINT.

What the fuck is up with that shit?! They tell me I can’t drink, but I don’t know if I’m that “type of person.” I don’t want to fuck up. If I say I won’t do crack or pills then I’m going to stick to that. They tell me I can never go to bars or clubs, fuck that. I’m not even old enough and they’re telling me not to go already. I mean no one comes out and directly says “don’t go to clubs or bars,” but I get the picture, I’m not a fucking retard. The meetings help, but they say it’s 100% or none at all. Are these people right? I mean maybe for severe fuck ups, but I used to smoke crack and stopped because my mom kept catching me high in the morning. It’s not like I smoked it “everyday,” I smoked crack recreationally. I know there are people out there that stay clean and make up their minds and say “no.” Not EVERYONE needs to go to meetings forever... I really don’t want to go back to that shit, but I guess if I think drinking will compromise that than I definitely will get off the booze too. By the way, I don’t even drink! I barely do.

And when I do I have noticed it wasn’t something I want to do right away again, but they tell me “that’s when the disease kicks in.” FUCK! It’s like they think the answer to every normal question someone has that challenges the program is instantly “your disease”... Well I’m going to the gym to shed this fat layer of lard off me.

Wow, I HATE BEING FAT. I weigh 180, which used to be my goal when I was working out and now I’m 180, no muscle, sheer fatness. My face is so bloated. This nurse told me that happens to drug addicts when they get clean... no one told me getting clean would just make me fat... I don’t like it ONE BIT.

11:15 pm

Just got out of a meeting, it was ok. Tonight was some lady—I realized I didn’t really connect with the women. Sometimes I feel like these people are way more fucked up than I ever was. I don’t really like the girl speakers... I go to the same meeting every night at 10pm, 7 days a week.