I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve been feeling like using for the past week and a half, ever since I talked to her.

I just feel empty. Maybe it's because I haven’t been working steps or praying.

Gus is so funny. We were all out to eat the other night after a meeting. Sometimes I think going out to eat with everyone after the meeting is the best part of the whole program. We all pile into a booth somewhere and everyone’s talking, bullshitting, laughing. Gus was telling us that when he’d be on vacation with his family, he would be clean a few months and then he’d think, “I wonder what the crack is like here, I’m on vacation, I wouldn’t know anyone, but I could just Google a Church’s Chicken nearby and low and behold, there’d be a crack dealer right around the corner!”

I got six months clean on the 19th.

Holy shit. That’s six months! Including weekends! Holidays! Coke days! Alcohol, weed, all that shit. I’m not as anxious as I used to be.

It's crazy to see how many people are addicted to Roxy’s. They start out with coke and think Roxy’s are a step down. Then they find themselves enslaved in physical addiction and the torture of withdrawals. I saw this girl I knew from middle school at the pool hall, and she’s all fucked up on pills. Dating some fuckup—no, let me rephrase that—engaged to some fuck up. She was giving me her life story and practically begging me to fuck her. I was supposed to skip 3rd hour today and go fuck her, but I don’t know. The Mad Russian said to stay away, but I guess I just want to fuck. I want to bend her over, yank her hair, spank her, ram it in her slutty mouth. Smack her in the face with my cock and make her say, “I’m a dirty, dirty, whore.”

Southern Roy went out to the strip club again. I’m worried about him. In Narcotics Anonymous, you can lean back, stay clean, just watch people, and they will teach you what to do, but much more than that, they’ll show you what NOT to do. At the pool hall so-and-so with all these years clean came up to me and said, “ey, we’re going to go get some blowjobs at the strip club, wanna come?” WTF. As if getting a blowjob was as casual as going to Wal-Mart to pick up some groceries.

I’m planning on going up to Orlando with Jimmy. That should be fun. Sometimes I think little things like that keep me clean: the hope that in the not so distant future I’ll be having fun, and living in the moment, somewhere, somehow.

Now, if only I could keep that feeling forever.

Just got out of a meeting, and God I feel so good now!

I saw some kids from FRC, talking with them was cool. To see them at a meeting that I told them to go to if they wanted to meet up with me was awesome. All of them asking me how it feels to be six months clean. I don’t know, like I've been doing HNI and speaking and going with the Mad Russian. I don’t say a lot but sometimes he lets me say stuff and these kids all said I was funny and good, haha. I think I just spoke about smoking crack naked, I thought everyone smoked crack naked hahaha… they said they looked forward to us coming in every week.

It feels good.