I took Gio to a meeting.

He’s been doing bad. It’s crazy, I knew this was going to happen when he told me he was just going to drink. I knew he couldn’t. None of us can. He said he sold his ID and Social Security card to a crack dealer in Overtown for five grams of crack.

I would have done the same thing in a heartbeat. Why didn't I think of that… they buy that?

July 31st, 2008

I felt like using yesterday around 1:30pm.

There’s only so much human interaction I can take. I fucking hate this place. This fucking dumb ass program. It pisses me off how dumb these fucking kids are, they all talk at once during group. I got so fucking annoyed yesterday. When I get like that I just get real quiet and reserved, like don’t fucking talk to me.

I can’t do this shit anymore, I hate it here.

Kevin’s mom keeps calling me. She keeps asking me what to do. Shit, I don’t know, kick him the fuck out? I told her that and she just acts like I’m crazy. “Oh, I’m not going to kick him out, he’s my son, what good is that going to do? God knows where he will end up.”

Okay, then don’t fucking listen to me. That’s what I would do, kick his ass out, take his car and don’t let him back until he’s got ninety days clean. If I had money and a car I’m not going to stop getting high…

I mean helllooo, have you ever done opiates?

They're fucking awesome.

August 6th, 2008

Oh my god, I hung out with Shannon last night! Shannon the fucking hot girl! The one who I said was way too hot for me… well, I fucked it up.

So Shannon invited me over, I asked her who’s going to be there and she said just her. I go home, shower, shave my balls, put cologne on, everything.

I go over to her halfway house, her halfway is nice as fuck. You wouldn’t even know it’s a halfway if she didn’t tell you. Her roommate just relapsed so no one else was there. I get there and she’s being super flirty. She tells me she’s getting in the shower, I sit on the couch and laugh and say “haha, leave the door open and I’ll come join you,” she laughs back “ha ok,” I get up and look, the door to her room is open and the door to the shower is wide open. I should have just gone in there. I got scared and just sat on the couch.

She steps out in a towel, my hands are sweating…

“Uh, so how was your lonely shower?”

“It was lonely, you should have joined me,” she spins around and smiles.

She puts on The Red Hot Chili Peppers, the music is playing on her TV. She asks if I want coffee, I tell her I don’t drink coffee. She starts to make a pot. She looks hot. She has a nice ass, even through the towel. I want to fuck her so bad. But I can’t. I know everything in my brain is saying “make a move, go over there!” but I can’t. She slams the cup of coffee on the table.

“Ugh, I can't do this,” she says. I go over to her, and try to talk to her.

“Get away from me!” She walks over to the couch and starts crying, “I’m not an innocent girl you know, I’ve done a lot of fucked up shit, I’ve fucked a lot of guys for drugs, I can’t believe I'm telling you this.” She just keeps crying, “my last drug dealer was this fucking big black piece of shit, he fucking beat me, he fucking beat the shit out of me.” I put a hand on her shoulder.

“Wow, I'm sorry,” I say.

She laughs “ha, here I am throwing myself at you and you won’t even hook up with me, you’re fucking 17, right?, fucking 17?, what am I doing?!” I try to pull the towel off her and grab her tits, “fucking stop!!” —I don’t know what to say.

“I just didn’t know if you wanted to hook up with me, come here,” I try to kiss her, she smirks.

“Yeah, well now you’re begging, just leave, get the fuck out!” I get off the couch she asks me; “are you in school?” I look at her awkwardly…

“um sort of…”

“Yeah, you’re in fucking HIGH SCHOOL, I’ve already finished college, just fucking leave, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.”

So weird. I don’t know why I got so nervous. I think it's because she’s so hot. I leave her house and call my sponsee brother, Sean.

“Oh shit, what’s up dude, did you fuck her?!!” he asks.

“Yeah bro, fucked the shit out of her!”

I don’t know why I lied… I feel so dumb. I hope it doesn’t get back to her.