July 14th, 2008

I almost got high over the weekend.

My dad had friends over at the house. When his friends are over I just want to be alone. I don’t want to introduce myself. I get the feeling my dad doesn’t really want to introduce me either; sometimes I say fucked up shit just to piss him off. Like, his one friend was showing me pictures of New York the other day, and there was this graffiti picture that says CRACK IS WACK all big on a wall. He was scrolling through the pictures but when I saw that I told him to stop. He looks over at me and says, “oh, you like graffiti?,” and without missing a beat I say, “nah, I love crack.” It got silent and my dad gives me this death stare. His friend sort of laughs to make it less awkward, but my dad tells me to go to my room.

I thought it was funny.

But anyway, my dad had friends over. They were drinking and listening to some gay ass Spanish music.

Jon called me to say he was going to Warped Tour. I really wanted to go. It’s in Gainesville which is like a 5 hour drive. Jon and Seabass were leaving in a few hours and coming back the next day. If I went, I’d be home by Sunday night.

I went into the kitchen to ask my mom if I could go. Might as well asked her if I could shoot up my school tomorrow. She looked at me horrified, reacting just to the thought of me leaving. “No Bryan,” she says, “please, just stay home.” I keep begging and she finally says, “I don’t know, ask your dad.” My dad has all his friends over, so I figure if I ask in front of them then he won’t say no. I walk into the kitchen, shake everyone’s hand and introduce myself. I look at my dad sympathetically, “Dad, Jon and Seabass are going to a concert, they’re leaving tonight, it's in Gainesville, I’ll be back tomorrow night, I really want to go, please?” My dad looks at me and laughs. “Ha, no way.” I keep pressing, “Please dad, I really want to go, nothing bad is going to happen, it’s with Jon and Seabass, we’re staying at his friend’s house, it’ll be fine.” He takes a sip of a beer, “NO. Absolutely not. Get out of here.” I walk away for a little to let him think about it.

He’s by the mini fridge, getting another beer. I try again, “Please dad, I really want to go.”

He starts to get mad. “No, No means No! No, No. That's it, NO! Here, just drink here.”

“Are you serious, did you just hand me a beer, you might as well hand me a freaking crack pipe! I can’t drink!” My dad laughs, “yeah right, what do you think is going to happen at the concert? You think I’m stupid?”

I’m getting really fucking mad. “Dad I can’t have beer or any drugs, and I’m not going to do drugs.”

He waves me away. “Just drink at the house.”

I go to my room and I want to cry. I fucking hate him. What the fuck is wrong with him? I go to my mom’s room and take her keys. She looks at me, says, “Bryan, what are you doing?” I yell at her, “I’m going to the gym, leave me alone.” She tries to grab the keys from me. “No Bryan, give me the keys.” I swing away so she can’t grab them. “Get away, I’m fucking leaving, this fucking asshole told me to drink!”

My mom tries to keep my voice down, “He what?” she asks, trembling. “He fucking told me to drink! He tried to hand me a fucking beer!” My mom tries to grab the keys a second time but I’m already out the door. I put the keys in the ignition and floor my mom’s car down the street. Driving with tears running down my face.

I fucking hate him.

I fucking hate him.

I ended up in the gym parking lot. I figure I will work out and just forget about it. But as I sit at the gym parking lot, I can’t take the keys out the ignition.

All I can think about is crack.

Crack.

I can hear it, I can taste it.

I have money. I know where to go. I just want to smoke crack.

I’ll fucking take this car straight to Sydney right now, I still remember his number by heart 843-5622!

I cry and yell to no one while tears are falling down my face. I take my cell phone out and call the Mad Russian. I get his voicemail.

Fucking goddamn it.

I start praying. “God if you're out there please fucking help me, fuck, God, please, take this shit away, I swear to you, I don’t want to do this, God, fuck fuck fuck, please, fuck!” My face is burning red and tears are falling down. I sit in the car crying, “God if you’re fucking out there fucking help me, fuck!”

I call Southern Roy… he’s in the program… he’ll know what to say.

I call and he answers, I tell him what happened, my hearts pounding, I tell him I wanna get high… I don’t know what else was said but at the end of it he says in a southern accent, “well, if you’re gunna get high, you’re gunna get high, I’ll be here when you get back.”

I look at my phone and hang up in disbelief.

This mother fucker just told me to go get high…

I close my eyes and cry and pray.

“Please, please, please help me god, please god help me.”

My phone rings, it’s Jon. “Hey man, are you coming? We’re leaving right now.” I wipe my tears and clear my throat. “Yeah, I’m going.”

Jon knows my situation. “uh are you SURE your parents said it was cool?”

I answer back, “yes I’m sure, trust me. It’ll be fine, call me when you’re at the gate.”

I drive back home, give my mom the keys back. She is freaking out. She looks at my eyes to see if I’m high, but I know she knows I’m not and that I’ve been crying. She follows me to my room. “Bryan, what are you doing?”

I start grabbing clothes and throwing it into a backpack, her voice gets louder. “Bryan!”

Now she’s crying.

Before I walk out I grab my NA book and throw it into the bag. I walk out the door. My mom tries to grab my hand but I pull away.

Jon and Seabass pick me up and I text my mom a few hours into the drive. “I’ll be fine, I’m going to the concert, I’m not doing drugs, trust me.” My mom begs me to come back. She knows my Dad is going to flip out.

Sitting in the back seat of Jon’s car, I know they can tell I’m not acting normal. I light up a cigarette. Seabass is the first to say something.

“Hey, you okay man? We’re your friends, you can talk to us.” I look out the window, and try to wipe the side of my face before a tear can make its way out.

“I’m fine.”

There it is, the slogan of a recovering addict to the part of society that won’t get it anyway.

“I’m fine.”

We pull off and get gas and some food. I look down at my phone. It’s a flip phone from Metro PCS. I have a missed call from the Mad Russian. I walk away from the car and call him back. He answers, “Hey man, I was fucking my girl, I got here these fucking sexy panties and she was acting crazy—we fucked for like two hours, what’s up?” I laugh into the mouthpiece.

“Yeah, I’m okay now but I really felt like using. I was about to get high. Me and my dad got in a fight, and I wanted to get high so fucking bad. I took the keys to my mom’s car and left the house, but I'm going to a concert right now with my friends.” He’s quiet for a second. “Yeah, well you’re an addict. That’s what we do. We use. That shit with your dad you’re going to have to figure out, because you live in the guy’s house, you gotta do what he says. You think getting high is going to fix that shit? If you get high you fuck everything up. If you have a problem and you use, then suddenly you have two problems. And using is a BIG FUCKING PROBLEM. Love you bro, don’t fucking get high cause that shit is for pussies, okay?” I laugh again and say, “Okay man. Love you too.”

I think about what he says… if you have a problem and then you use, now you have TWO problems.

I get back in the car and read the NA book.

Warped Tour was awesome. I remember right in front of Against Me!, thinking how I would have fucked everything up if I got high. I got to see Say Anything and Jack's Mannequin, they were so good. When Say Anything came out we fucking lost it. I found a NA meeting while I was up there and Jon and Seabass came with me, the meeting was so weird. It was a bunch of old people, like 5 people sitting around a table in an old flower shop. It felt good to make a meeting though. Jon and Seabass are really good friends, they didn’t make me feel bad for going at all and wanted to go with me.

I kept thinking my dad was going to blow up my phone with calls, but he didn’t call once. I called my mom and told her I was safe.

“Is Dad pissed?”

“Oh….. you… have… noooo idea.”

Shwayze was at the concert. Cisco Adler is so gay. He came out on stage and said, “I live by the W’s, Woman and Weed!” Ha, what happened to coke and heroin? They were good though. I kinda like Shwayze.

When I got home I expected my dad to scream and yell, but he just acted like I didn’t exist.

He didn’t look at me, didn’t talk to me.