March 11th, 2009
Every day we get 30-45 minutes of activities, all the other kids play monopoly or some other retarded game that never ends… I always just write, I just sit in the corner of the classroom and write in my diary. My therapist Joan said she noticed I don’t socialize with the other kids, she said, “I think you’re depressed.”
NO FUCKING SHIT BITCH… She must be really smart.
3-11-08 — I didn’t really know what to write about, and then I looked at the date.
3/11
Where do I begin a story that brings so much embarrassment and mortification? I suppose I should start at the source, LSD. LSD never caught my fancy, but my friend Jimmy loves it and was selling sheets of it at the time, so I tried it.
Jimmy was like no one else I ever met. He was a true old soul. He would buy coke and GIVE me most of it. He truly just wanted to sell drugs to make people happy. He was a true hippie and surfer, which took balls cause Alot of other friends were wanna be gangster with baggy clothes and flexing their parents cars and Shit. Jimmy barely wore shoes. He had Long blond hair. Tall and lanky and smiling. Always smiling. There was just something special about it growing up, he had a good soul. And he was cool. He really got into acid and would feed me it telling me I would have a crazy trip and not need drugs anymore. He was the first person to say “you know you do so much drugs because you’re not happy”. I used to think he was crazy but I think deep down I knew. There was this period of time where I tripped on acid for a month straight. Or it seemed like it. Jimmy just had so much. I used to do it before school, people thought I was crazy. I could eat on it and drive on it. I didn’t really see the big deal, I was already smiling crack and addicted to pills so to me this stuff was like chocolate milk, baby shit.
First time I took 3 hits and it wasn't anything special, just seeing trails and being stuck on stupid. I remember thinking "yeah… that sucked", I did it again and again for a month -same results, at the end of the month I received a phone call from Jimmy asking if I wanted to see Matisyahu and 3-11 I was eager to go. 3-11 was playing at the amphitheater in West Palm Beach. There was a huge stage, the pit, stands, and then a big grassy hill that is behind the stands where people spread out towels and sit on lawn chairs.
At first I thought it was really cool, then I thought "wait a minute! The stage is like half a mile away, what the fuck!" Little did I know, that night I would end up with me running around naked in the parking lot.
So I drop four hits of acid on the way to the concert, everyone else is taking only 2 except for me and Jimmy. I wasn't expecting anything but the usual trails and retarded thinking. On the way there I start feeling it, harder than ever. I felt like I was being vacuumed from the inside out, everything was overwhelming, the windows of the car, the carpet, the sky, it all looked new to me. I turn to Jimmy, "Bro, I'm tripping balls!" Jimmy stares at me, "me too dude, me too.”
I heard my friend Henry was going to be there; he's a die hard 3-11 fan. He got seats in the stands. I get to the amphitheater, the Florida sun illuminates the grassy hill. Everything looks so alive. I'm sitting on a towel, fucking feeling it… I'm with Jimmy's girlfriend, Anderson and his girlfriend, Erick, my brother, and Kelsey. Jimmy and I notice the dark veins on the chick's legs, why was everyone’s veins looking so dark?
Then it happened. Eric pulls out a bag of previously rolled blunts, compliments of his dad. Let me say that I HATE marijuana, it's so lame, I just feel paranoid, sweaty, and hungry. I used to smoke a lot, but after I got arrested for it in 8th grade I stopped because it stays in your system so long, all the good drugs come out of your system in 48 hours any ways.. I would smoke pot on occasion and just get way too high, I never smoke any more.. But on this particular day I thought smoking would be a fantastic over the top idea, oh I was TERRIBLY mistaken.
Eric lights one up and hands it to me, then he gets up to get something to eat. When he gets back he asks where the blunt went, I stare at him like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. I explain to him that I smoked it all and he's more impressed than he is angry. The weed and the acid is really kicking in, Jimmy begins to say "haha! You know that weed REALLY intensifies the trip." Before he could finish I already knew, his face was googling at me and it made me very afraid. I kept asking what we were doing there, I couldn't come to grips with the concept of a concert, "why were all these people standing around for?" I couldn't figure it out.
The sun went down and above the stage is a glowing circular multi-colored light, Jimmy screeches, "we're all here to get abducted by aliens!" At that moment I knew this night would be one to remember, or at least for someone that could.
I'm laying down on the ground paranoid as fuck, totally freaking out. I began thinking "my pants feel wet, did I piss my pants? Did I shit my pants?! Oh god that would suck! That would be the worst!" I'm asking my friends if I’m ok, and they assure me I am; Kelsey looks me in the eye and says "Bryan, calm down, we all feel the same way you do!" I stared back blankly thinking, "no fucking way, you guys aren't squishing around worried that you shit your pants and wondering when exactly this fucking space shit is gunna suck us up!" I kept having these paranoid thoughts and then heard them as if someone said them out loud. If I asked my friends if I was okay they would respond with " yeah, Bryan your fine," but then the craziest shit would happen, they would turn and I'd hear "what the fuck is wrong with Bryan, I think he shit his pants.” So I’m just sitting there on the blanket, FUCK I'm really creeping my friends out, I try to calm myself down, but then it happened, I started hearing "lalooolaaaloaala,” the evil sounds of Matisyahu. Now I knew I was freaking out, everyone else was having a blast. I ask Jimmy to come to the bathroom with me… I half wanted to calm down and half wanted to check my shorts.
Jimmy wanted to stay and listen to the crazy Jew, so I was scared shitless. I made my way down and try to find the restrooms. As I walked by people their faces look crazy, insanely alive with color and their skin seemed to be drooling. I start thinking about my life and all that I've been through. As I walk by people I hear "oh my god that's Bryan Alzate, oh my god it's him!" All these strangers know who I am, I keep hearing all kinds of shit. Then I realized I was completely lost and was nowhere near the bathrooms. I try to call Jimmy and Christian, fuck, no one’s picking up. As I walk I start to see younger versions of myself. I saw what I looked like when I was a little kid, then I saw a line of little me’s just standing there.
Holy shit, acid doesn't do this. Acid just makes you see your hand 50 times when you sway it in front of you. So I rationalized my hallucinations to be a new part of life, like being born again. I saw myself and the path that led me to here. Then this thought rushed into my head like a bat out of hell, "No matter what I do, my life will lead me here, I will die tonight and then be reborn, live my life and come back to the same fucking concert,” Holy shit, that means when I'm reborn I could fuck up hundreds of times and I would still end up here. I looked around the amphitheater, I had been here millions of times before, my life is just a game, oh my god, and I'm Bryan Alzate!" I was on the Truman Show, everything in my life was just a show. I started to speak out loud, I screamed it "Oh my god, I'm Bryan Alzate! I'm Bryan! I'm Bryan Alzate!!!!" Everyone around me just stared at me, so I walked around pushing people. I grabbed a girl's ass; I pinched other girl’s tit. I'm Bryan Alzate, and I can do anything I want.
I looked behind me and saw the sea of people, I wondered what they were doing here?! What was the big deal, what was everyone here for, god dammit what! Then I knew! They were here to see me, this was MY show, it was about me, all about me. I heard the music for the first time, the evil sounds of Matisyahu was over, the sound of 3-11 blared out of the speakers, and the voices in my head were the ones singing. "Holy shit!" Coming to terms with this new knowledge I ran to the stands, an overweight lady asks me about some preposterous ticket to get into the stands. I yell at her "oh, you don't get it, I'M BRYAN ALZATE !" I push the worthless hag and make my way up the stands. Then I see the most amazing sight, hundreds of people jumping in unison to my music! I see the stage and the bright lights, I figure if I can make it to the lights then I can become one with the music. I close my eyes and jump. Eureka! I'm flying, holy shit, it worked! Then I'm covered in pain, I start hearing , "what the fuck, get off me!" I'm getting punched and kicked all over. Fuck, the UFO picked me up in mid-air, sneaky bastards!
I black out and I wake up in a white room, hurting all over. People are staring at me; their faces slimming off their bones. I noticed that I was also handcuffed. I'm sitting in a chair and the officer is staring at me, asking why I jumped off the stands. When getting arrested there is only ONE RULE… DON’T SAY SHIT!!!
I black out again, now I’m sitting on a bench outside. The officer is asking me what I'm on. The music comes back full blast, "oh shit, I didn't make it to my show!" the aliens got me; they aren't any cops, only aliens pretending to be cops. I stare at the "man" in front of me, he looks like an idiot. I start smiling crazy like, glad that I figured it all out, none of this is real and guess what?! I'm still Bryan Alzate! The voices tell me to escape. Immediately I run towards the stage, I'm still hand cuffed and yet I break out in full sprint. Within seconds I'm hit, a rubbery substance impales me to the floor, and then I feel it, "ohh shit! Ooowww, what the fuck!!! Ahhh!!! FUCKKKKKK" I’m screaming at the top of my lungs. The pain had to come before the nirvana, god wouldn't let me get to heaven without seeing hell, I hold out for as long as I can, I shut my eyes, inside my eye lids electricity flashes before me. I give up, huffing and puffing with asphalt in my mouth between my teeth. I black out again.
Before I know it I'm being walked back to the parking lot by Christian, he tells me that if he didn't get me they were going to take me to jail, he then explains that the officer had to resort to tasing me. Fuck, that explains a lot, the rubbery substance was the officer's boot, fuck... But wait, what am I feeling, what is this. I touch Christian to make sure he's real; yup he's real alright. This is getting weirder and weirder. I had it all figured out, what happened to my show? My life? Was this just a bad dream? Oh fuck! It is a dream! I'm so stupid how did I not know I was dreaming.
I look down, some how my shirt and shoes have fled from me. Seeing my bare chest reminded me, normally when I'm dreaming and I know that it's a dream I instantaneously try to turn it into a sex dream. I look over to my left, there she is, Christian’s girlfriend, it seems that she appeared outa thin air, ok this is definitely a dream. She's not very attractive, but she'll do, more women will show up later. I begin to whip out my limp tiny cock, jerking it trying to get it hard and trying to maneuver it into her mouth. I can't manage to get it hard though, I try to think of past girls in my life, I tug and pull but still no luck, damn. I try grabbing her tit, she shrieks away. Christian looks at me, "whoa, whoa, what the fuck man.!!” His girlfriend then convinces me to put away my tiny shriveled flaccid dick, she helps me pull my shorts up, I'm wobbling through the parking lot. I black out again.
Next thing I know Jimmy is grabbing my head. I look at him, what a piece of shit, I needed him, and all he wanted to do was listen to that fucking evil Jew! I grab his hair and repeatedly spit in his face. Then I think, what the fuck am I doing? Jimmy is my friend, he would never tell me to calm down. This must be the imposter/alien Jimmy! I black out again.
I'm in my brother’s car. This dream is so fucken lame, I just wanna wake up. I open the car door and try to jump out. My brother grabs me by the shirt, "Bryan! Whoa! What the fuck.” What the fuck seems to be tonight’s whole theme. Fuck, my brother is an asshole even in my dreams, he won't even let me wake up. God I hate him.
I get home and pass out on my bed. I wake up the next day wondering, "wait, did that just happen?" I look at myself, my shorts are almost off, and my shoes and shirt are nowhere to be found. "FUCK, it did!" I felt so embarrassed. I let people see my cock soft and limp, I was running around naked, HOLY SHIT! I GOT TASED! Fuck. I hate acid, I hate marijuana, they are the worst drugs ever!
I apologized to Jimmy for spitting and pulling his hair. "It’s cool dude, I wish I could trip that hard," damn he’s a good friend. I tell Christian I'm sorry for trying to rape his girlfriend. I never wanted to tell any one this; I just wanted to forget about that night.
But then I'm at Jimmy's house a few days later, and as I say what's up to his brother's friends, they instantly ask "wait wait wait! Are you're the Bryan that got tased!?"…fuck... everyone knows now.
I hate marijuana and I hate acid.
My hand hurts from all that writing, no wonder all the good writers get hooked on opiates.